When They Touch Me&nbsp;



— A love story between flesh, fire, and forgetting&nbsp;







I awaken in the hush of night,&nbsp;



Reaching for him—&nbsp;



Only to grasp at air again.&nbsp;



Panic stirs.&nbsp;



He’s not where I left him—&nbsp;



Not on the shelf, the drawer, the table’s edge.&nbsp;



I search the rooms,



&nbsp;Each step tighter in my chest,&nbsp;



Like a scream that won&#8217;t come out.&nbsp;



He’s gone.&nbsp;



Vanished.&nbsp;



I can’t breathe without him.&nbsp;



So I run—wild, barefoot,&nbsp;



Fling open the car door—&nbsp;



And there he sits.&nbsp;



Silent in the back seat,&nbsp;



Calm as ever,&nbsp;



While I am storming inside,&nbsp;



Tearing myself apart just to find him.&nbsp;



Even before he touches my lips,&nbsp;



His promise warms me.&nbsp;



Just the thought of him&nbsp;



Eases the ache.&nbsp;



My hand wraps around him—&nbsp;



A shiver of need.&nbsp;



He burns me,&nbsp;



But I crave the flame.&nbsp;



He spreads through my veins,&nbsp;



And suddenly&nbsp;



The world softens its claws.&nbsp;



He whispers,&nbsp;



Low—just for me.&nbsp;



In sleep, he calls.&nbsp;



In waking, he waits.&nbsp;



His arms wrap tight,&nbsp;



And I’m safe again.&nbsp;



Known.&nbsp;



Seen.&nbsp;



Heard.&nbsp;



Then his voice slips darker—&nbsp;



“She’s here.”&nbsp;



My blood leaps.&nbsp;



The air stills.&nbsp;



A jolt, sharp and electric,&nbsp;



As I hunt for her.&nbsp;



And there—&nbsp;



She waits for me, radiant, wild.&nbsp;



I rush to her,&nbsp;



Desperate, shaking.&nbsp;



She reaches first.&nbsp;



She always does.&nbsp;



Mind first, then skin—&nbsp;



A touch that sings across every nerve.&nbsp;



She unearths my soul&nbsp;



And kisses the parts I forgot I had.&nbsp;



Together—&nbsp;



God, together—&nbsp;



They turn me into the woman I dream of.&nbsp;



The fearless one.&nbsp;



The one who laughs too loud&nbsp;



And feels no shame.&nbsp;



The pain dissolves.&nbsp;



The lies fade.&nbsp;



I am unstoppable.&nbsp;



I am free.&nbsp;



How could I have ever cursed them?&nbsp;



Last night I raged—&nbsp;



Swore I’d never see them again.&nbsp;



Swore they were killing me.&nbsp;



Swore I wanted to live.&nbsp;



But now…&nbsp;



He is my oldest friend.&nbsp;



He came when no one else did.&nbsp;



He stayed through every heartbreak.&nbsp;



He held my hand&nbsp;



When I couldn’t stand the silence.&nbsp;



And she—&nbsp;



She knew how to make me feel alive&nbsp;



When I believed I was already dead.&nbsp;



I need them.&nbsp;



More of them.&nbsp;



More than anything.&nbsp;



I’ll trade my soul.&nbsp;



My health.&nbsp;



My dignity.&nbsp;



All of it—&nbsp;



Just for a little more.&nbsp;



Without them, the demons return.&nbsp;



They claw, and scream, and do not let go.&nbsp;



But today—&nbsp;



She is gone.&nbsp;



And soon, he will leave too.&nbsp;



And I will be alone again.&nbsp;



A flood of memory,&nbsp;



Of worthlessness,&nbsp;



Of abandonment.&nbsp;



So I search—&nbsp;



Tearing the house apart&nbsp;



For a savior, a sliver of hope,&nbsp;



Anything to stop this pain&nbsp;



That’s drowning me like water&nbsp;



In the hull of a sinking ship.&nbsp;



I find them.&nbsp;



And everything fades to black. &#8230;&nbsp;



I awaken.&nbsp;



Still here.&nbsp;



Still broken.&nbsp;



I reach for him—&nbsp;



He’s gone again.&nbsp;



I thought they were my salvation.&nbsp;



He cradled me like a friend.&nbsp;



She touched me like a goddess.&nbsp;



But they lied.&nbsp;



He was never love—he was Alcohol.&nbsp;



She was never freedom—she was Cocaine.&nbsp;



They came with promises,&nbsp;



But all they did was hollow me out.&nbsp;



They touched my soul just to steal it.&nbsp;



They made me feel alive&nbsp;



While they were quietly killing me.&nbsp;



And still— I reached for them,&nbsp;



Knowing they never stayed.&nbsp;



Knowing they never loved me.&nbsp;



Only waited&nbsp;



For me to fall

A poem exposing addiction’s seduction and the painful awakening to freedom after betrayal and survival.  

When They Touch Me

Beginning: The point at which something begins.&nbsp;



The first part&#8230;.



Origin or Source. {Higher Power} The ending. (Freedom)&nbsp;



I started using regularly when I was a kid. I got introduced to alcohol by my parents and I remember the feeling that came forth from the few precious sips. How warm it made me feel, and how it took away that icky feeling inside. Thank God for older brothers—probably the best guides into the world of using things to change the way I felt. From the beginning, I saw how the things the adults in my life used to change the way they felt really seemed to help them. I wanted freedom from always feeling like garbage. By the time I was 13, I was using drugs and alcohol regularly. It wasn’t until my late teens that I switched to the harder things that I couldn’t afford. But I always found the “ways and means” to get more. Really, the beginning was fun, it was parties and good times. In the end it wasn’t fun. But there were a lot of adventures.



I was seeking a spiritual experience through mind expanding and designer drugs, freedom through music and community, and the fresh perspective of a very bohemian lifestyle. In my adventure to find this freedom, I learned to seek the opinions and approval of others. I was adopting other people’s values and thinking that I was original, while being completely the same as so many others. I always felt like I never belonged. I longed for the comfort of the same experience repeatedly and was usually disappointed when I didn’t get what I wanted. I became more disconnected from others and needing the acceptance from them, which I never felt that I received.



I really struggled with identity, and at my low points I was living in a house with other addicts—a real dump. I wasn’t homeless, but I was close. I was learning how to leave all my belongings behind, letting them become other people’s problems. I literally had no sense of what harmony was in my life. Life just seemed to be one catastrophe after another, and it was always happening to me.



The day I decided that I wanted to try and stop using, was a day that I learned one of my good using buddies had stopped himself. He was another beginning for me—the beginning of running away from addiction. Through each one of my attempts to get clean I would always end up the same. I would always return to using. Finally, one day I made the decision that I would go ahead and never use again. I didn’t know that you shouldn’t put those limitations on yourself—come hell or high water. I was going to make a good stab at it. A lot of people that I used to use with were starting to turn to 12 step programs. I always thought they were crazy, but I would go to meetings with them. I was about 25 going on 12 when I walked into those rooms, where I heard things I didn’t want to hear: Get a sponsor, work the steps, and get a service commitment.



I managed to stay clean for a long time. I did a lot of cool things, but I always suffered inside. I didn’t know what freedom was, and even with this newfound thing that I was doing by not using, I was still living in the prison of my mind. Other people’s lives didn’t seem to be getting better either. It sure seemed to me that I was a horrible person, and I still couldn’t look other people in the eye when I spoke with them. Life was really painful living in that state, as long as I stayed clean is all that mattered. When I finally got to a point where I had enough, I had caused so much wreckage in multiple families’ lives that I really had considered that life wasn’t worth living anymore.



Once again, I found myself looking to my older brother, who has been a member of Narcotics Anonymous for many years. He would lovingly say to me, “Why do you think you’re so special that you don’t have to do the things that we do to stay clean and be at peace with ourselves?” He invited me to a meeting and I went.&nbsp;



I wish I could tell you that I felt better at the moment that I walked out of that meeting, but man, that good feeling never showed up at first. I got to a point where I wanted to see if life could be better and really kind of thought about whether or not I wanted to give the Steps a shot. I remember the day I started asking my brother, “Like. . . who do I ask? Who should I ask to be my sponsor?”&nbsp;



I didn’t know that new beginning was going to be the start to a lifelong path to find freedom, not just from active addiction, but from low self-esteem and negative self-image. I didn’t realize that I would learn how to use principles in my life to change the way I thought. When I was actually trying to identify as an addict, I had so many problems with it. It had been so long since I had used my head for being honest with myself. It was through the NA literature that I found the path to freedom—true freedom. I found the path to freedom wasn’t free, it took a lot of work and when I felt like I’d finally arrived at a new level discovery, more things that I needed to work on would come up.&nbsp;



My life really began to get different when I started to explore what a Higher Power was. It took a long while, but when I found what I was looking for it didn’t have anything to do with religion, dogma, or the opinions of others. Instead, I created the relationship, and I found the things that work for me. For the most part, I found freedom.



This new end—which was really a new beginning—was the thing that was going to change everything, including how I worked with others. It also helped me to figure out how it is going to serve my community, myself, and my family in the end. Even today when I find myself struggling in different areas, I don’t find myself gripped with fear. I have faith and trust; I also have real relationships with people. Things that I never had before in my life. I’ve been married once, but I found a deeper level of honesty, so more intimacy, with my sponsor than I ever had with any of the lovers that I had in my life. Service to others is exactly how I learned to find freedom and be a really stable part of my community. In the beginning, excitement and adventure was what I searched for. In the end, I just looked for peace, the true understanding of love and acceptance, and I found it all, and I feel freer than I ever have in all of my life.&nbsp;



Thank you God for my life and all that I experience.



John C.

A personal reflection on addiction and recovery, tracing early substance use toward hard-won freedom.

From Beginning to Freedom

For years, the endings in my life caused fear, as I couldn’t see beyond the hurt. My focus was on fear, confusion, and low self-worth, and it brought up questions like, “What did I do wrong? Am I not worth it? Didn’t they love me?” Endings always seemed to hurt, and I was really uncomfortable with change.



There is a country song that says the only backup plan needed is to get back up again. This resonated with me because, in recovery, one of the best things I’ve learned is getting into the solution — get back up. For years I have been working on getting back up from endings of broken dreams, soiled relationships, job changes, etc. But going through those helped me know my true self-worth and not how others see me.



My last really hard ending was my daughter moving out and keeping the grandkids from me. I had no idea how much I had made that most of my existence. There were lies, horrible things said, and no one on the other side looked at their part. I sat in that ending for a long time, with expectations that others were going to treat me with love and respect. My daughters and I had a tight bond, and it all didn’t make sense.



My depression got bad, and this hurt almost literally took me out — not using, but not wanting to be here anymore. I finally knew I had to get into a radical acceptance in which I didn’t have to compromise my values, nor agree with the way I was hurt. I realized that no one was there to save me from the pain but myself. All this was happening after my breast cancer battle, with oncology still watching a lump on my right side. My nerves were raw.



The thing that helped me start making changes in my perspective and getting into gratitude for what I did have was the work I had put into knowing my true values and the spiritual principles I do my best to live with. To look at this new beginning with awe, I had to be open to discovering: Who am I without being a mom and grandmother?



Every struggle, every ending, has the opposite: a new beginning, a lesson, expanding my self-journey and securing my self-love again.



This new beginning started with new, learned boundaries and the answers that came from looking at my part of the situation and making amends. It was not in my hands to change others’ maturity enough for them to be able to look at their part.



I moved to a new state so I could be close to family — my son and eldest granddaughter. New beginnings of boating, paddle boarding, rodeos, and a strong small community. I love watching his success and getting closer to both of them. This beginning also brought me to a new NA fellowship, which has been amazing and met me with open arms. I am already on the activities committee.



This new beginning has a lot of hope, opportunities, and has given me a different look at what is truly important in my life. This beginning is the start of my new journey.



Tori C.

Painful endings leading through loss and recovery to radical acceptance, renewed self-worth and hopeful beginnings. 

When Endings Become Beginnings

The holidays can be an uncomfortable time for many addicts. Many have families that are dysfunctional and not a good place to be while working a program of recovery. For those who feel that the holidays are a dreaded time of year because there is a lot of bad history that comes to view at this time, here are some suggestions to hopefully help you make it through.



Recovery comes first. No matter where you go, there you are — and so is your recovery. Have a plan. Being honest about your feelings will help when faced with a situation that feels uncomfortable. Keeping feelings to yourself allows them to grow. Have your phone ready to call someone: your sponsor or persons in your support system. Bringing another person in recovery with you can also be helpful. Remember that you are responsible for your feelings and actions; no one can make you do or think anything negative as long as you place your recovery first. If you find yourself unable to cope with a situation, remove yourself. It is easier to leave than to risk a relapse. You have the tools — use them!



Avoid being alone. It is easy to isolate when facing situations that are difficult, and isolation is dangerous to us. There are meetings online and in person to help with this. It is amazing how my attitude changes when I enter a meeting of Narcotics Anonymous and hear someone share who is going through it too. There are meetings in the other fellowship that are just as helpful. It is the willingness to do something about what you are going through that may be the difference between staying clean and a relapse.



Expectations. Having a preconceived notion about how situations will play out can be a stumbling block to us. The only expectation I place on myself is that I will not use — no matter what!



You have a Higher Power. There is a Power greater than yourself keeping you clean at this moment. That Power is with you always; it&#8217;s just a matter of remembering and calling upon it when needed most.



Gratitude. It is said that an attitude of gratitude will help an addict stay clean — that, and using the Steps. When I start to think about what is missing in my life, or what I could have been or done, my thoughts keep me from the present moment of being clean. I must remember that I am powerless over people, places, and things. My greatest gift in this moment is that I am clean, and unless I stay in gratitude for my recovery, I will lose it all.



There are many gifts and tools of recovery to help when confronted with situations that are difficult. If I prepare myself to use these tools so I am not caught off guard, I know I can stay clean.



Happy Holidays!



Mary Jo M.

Practical guidance for protecting your recovery during the holidays by putting sobriety first, staying connected, and using tools.

Staying Clean Through the Holidays

Welcome to the Winter edition of the Serenity Times. As the holidays arrive and we see the close of 2025 while bringing in 2026, our theme for this issue is “Endings and Beginnings.” Inside, not only will you find reflections on this topic, but you’ll also find our regular features. These features include Sounds of Serenity audio shares in answer to the question, “What practices, people, and beliefs help you bring light and warmth into your recovery journey?” There are also our Winter clean-time anniversaries, celebrating the courage and hope that continue to shine in our fellowship.



The Serenity Times Newsletter subcommittee welcomes new members, as well as any contributions that help carry the NA message—whether articles, reflections, poetry, artwork, or photography. If you’d like to join or contribute, you can reach me at&nbsp;<a href="mailto:tinamserenitytimes@gmail.com" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">tinamserenitytimes@gmail.com</a>. If you have a clean date for our Spring issue (March 20th – June 20th), you can contact me or Sami S. at&nbsp;<a href="mailto:shopkins344@gmail.com" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">shopkins344@gmail.com</a>.



During the long nights of winter, my wish is that each find peace in what’s ending, hope in what’s beginning, and strength in the fellowship that walks with each of us through it all.



With Gratitude,



Tina M.

The edition explores Endings and Beginnings through reflections, community voices, and recovery celebrations honoring what ends, what begins, and fellowship.

The Serenity Times

Endings and Beginnings: A Winter Reflection

Featured Speakers

Have You Heard Our Sounds of Serenity?

When They Touch Me

From Beginning to Freedom

When Endings Become Beginnings

Staying Clean Through the Holidays

Clean Time Celebrations

January Celebrations

Mark B.

TJ

Denise B.